What If Your Prayers for Your Kids Are Actually Hurting Them?

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Years ago, a mother confessed something to me through tears: 'I guess that means I can't keep praying their house burns down so they'll have to move back near me.'

She loved her adult children deeply. But her prayers had become controlling, manipulative—even dangerous.

I'll never forget that conversation. Because it made me realize: not all passionate prayers are godly prayers.

This post will look into what soulish prayer is, how to spot it (with some real-life examples), and why it can be dangerous—even for sincere believers of any age.

We'll check out Scripture, insights from teachers like Watchman Nee and Derek Prince, and my personal experience of how the Lord transformed my soulish prayers into godly ones.

What Is Soulish Prayer?

The Bible says we're made up of three parts: spirit, soul, and body.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:23 NIV)

When we're born again, our spirit is made alive by the Holy Spirit. The soul—our mind, emotions, and will—is meant to be renewed and submitted to the spirit.

Godly, Spirit-led prayer flows when the Holy Spirit leads our regenerated spirit. We sense a God-given burden and pray in alignment with His will.

Soulish prayer happens when our natural soul takes the lead instead. Watchman Nee described it clearly:

"Nowadays Christians appear to treat prayer as a means to accomplish their aims and ideas. If they possessed just a little deeper understanding, they would recognize that prayer is but man uttering to God what is God's will."

In soulish prayer, we start with our own desires, thoughts, or feelings—and try to get God to come into agreement with us.

How to Spot Soulish Prayer

Soulish prayer hides in plain sight and can affect believers of any age—teens, young adults, parents, even seasoned seniors. Here are common signs:

• Lots of words, little listening

• Claiming what God isn't saying

• Letting feelings or self-interest take charge

• "Sending prayers" out to people

• Piling prayers on people to force them to do our will
  

Real-Life Examples of Soulish Prayer

These may sound extreme, but they reveal how easily self-will slips into our prayers:

• "God, send someone to give me money." (Motivated by personal comfort instead of trusting God to provide.)

• "God, let my boss believe me when I say I was sick." (Covering up lies instead of owning up.)
  

• A domineering parent: "God, let my child give me money—I want to give it to my beloved daughter." (Manipulating family finances for personal reasons.)

• "God, teach my husband a lesson—he thinks he's so clever." (Wanting revenge instead of reconciliation.)
  

• A pastor or leader: "God, don't let this church member leave—she pays the most in tithes." (Putting money before people's spiritual growth.)
  

• "God, send famous, wealthy people to my church." (Chasing success and recognition instead of kingdom building.)
  

And here's one that broke my heart. Years ago an acquaintance shared this with me. Her adult children moved away and she confessed through tears, "I guess that means I can't keep praying their house burns down so they'll have to move back near me."

I'll never forget that conversation. It surprised me at first, but it highlighted how even strong love, if led by unchecked emotions and self-will, can become controlling and damaging.

Haven't we all, in more subtle ways, tried to push our own plans onto God?

Soulish Prayer: Insights from Derek Prince

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual [soulish], demonic. (James 3:14–15 NIV)

James is talking about two kinds of wisdom—one from God and one that is definitely not. He says the wrong kind has three downward steps:

earthly, then soulish (in Greek, psuchikē—coming from the natural soul, not the spirit), and finally demonic.

Derek Prince taught something that sounds shocking but is true: There are some people whose prayers you would be better off without.

Some people seek to control you by their prayers. They have their own ideas about where you should live, whom you should marry, or what form your ministry should take.

Yet those ideas do not come from God. They generate a soulish pressure—that may even be demonic—and keep you from finding what really is God's will for you.

Or people may just sit and talk about you. Christians criticizing one another, running one another down, generate a negative power that is released against the people they talk about.

It's very important to know where your problem is coming from. Sometimes it's coming from people quite close to you. There have been men who have been sick for years because their wife had a death wish for them.

There are a lot of things we don't fully understand in the human soul, yet they have great power for good and for evil.

If the soul is under the control of the Holy Spirit, it will be for good. But if it's under other forces, it can be just as powerful for evil.

Derek Prince's words are intense, but they show us that soulish prayer isn't just harmless—it can actually have serious spiritual effects.

Cindy's Story: From Soulish to Godly Prayer

Years ago, I totally fell into this trap. I was praying hard for my husband, Dick, to change—mainly because I wanted him to stop embarrassing the family.

Every day, my prayers were intense, but they were more about my own comfort, reputation, and frustration.

Back in 1970, I was watching Billy Graham on TV one night. He asked, "Do you pray selfish prayers for your loved ones?"

That hit me hard. The Holy Spirit made me realize how I was praying for Dick.

I changed my prayer and said, "God, please save Dick for Your honor and glory, not just because it makes things easier for me."

The transformation was remarkable. Two weeks Dick later surrendered his life to Jesus Christ and a year later God called him to Bible School and into full-time ministry.

Prayers from the soul caused stress. Prayers guided by the Spirit led to genuine change.

Do People of All Ages Understand This Danger?

Not always—and that's where the hidden risk comes in.

Younger believers may think passionate, emotional prayers are automatically spiritual.

Older believers, with years of experience, can grow confident in their own wisdom and miss how self-will still creeps in.

Soulish prayer feels natural to our fallen soul, so people of every age can practice it without realizing the danger—until disappointment, confusion, or stagnation sets in.

The Hidden Dangers

Soulish prayer isn't just unhelpful—it's dangerous:

• Blocks Hearing God Clearly — Our noisy soul drowns out the Holy Spirit's gentle voice. Nee observed that soulish believers "rely on their own thought more than on God's revelation."

• Increases Deception — Scripture warns: "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere… Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual [soulish], demonic." (James 3:15, 17 NIV)

Derek Prince taught that an unsubmitted soul opens doors to counterfeit "leadings."

• Leads to Disappointment with God — "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 4:3 NIV)

• Produces Little Lasting Fruit — Nee: "Only prayer in the spirit is genuinely effectual."
  

• "Sending Prayers" Without Praying Decreases Real Intercession — When we say "sending prayers" instead of actually interceding, we're skipping the real work of Spirit-led prayer.

Moving Toward Godly, Spirit-Led Prayer

Spirit-led prayer produces clear guidance. A surrendered heart increases trust in God. Listening to the Holy Spirit decreases self-will.

Abiding in His will leads to peace and joy.

We can change—just as I did. Let the cross deal with your self-life.

You may be only one surrendered prayer away from seeing God move in ways you never imagined.

Personal Reflections

Take a quiet moment with the Lord and consider these questions in His presence:

1. When I think about my most frequent or passionate prayers (especially for loved ones), what is the deepest motive in my heart—my comfort and desires, or God's glory and will?
   

2. Have I ever felt disappointed with God when a prayer wasn't answered the way I expected? Could that prayer have had soulish elements?
   

3. Is there a prayer I've been praying for a long time that feels more like pressure than peace? Lord, what would You like me to release or rephrase?
   

4. How comfortable am I with silence in prayer? Do I give the Holy Spirit space to place His burden on my heart?
   

5. Looking back, can I see a time when I shifted from soulish to godly prayer? What changed—and what happened as a result?

Invite the Holy Spirit to speak gently as you reflect. He is faithful to lead us into all truth—and into deeper, sweeter communion with Him.

For Further Reading

Watchman Nee, The Spiritual Man

Derek Prince, sermons "Are You Spiritual or Soulish?" (derekprince.com)

Love, Cindy

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